Deceased and Desist Read online

All three of us got out of the car, Marianne stumbling out of the back. Gina didn’t normally have more than two people in her car and I was never in the backseat so I forgot how much it could look like someone emerging from the womb when getting out. I did not laugh since that was inappropriate for the situation, but I did remind myself to never sit in the back. I’d probably have to be dragged out or at least rolled out.

  We waited while Marianne dug into her enormous purse for her keys. I wondered if she called the cavernous bag something tiny and precious, too, but then decided not to ask because it didn’t matter. She found the keys, unlocked the door, and darted into the office to shut off an alarm.

  Good to know. Since the alarm had to be turned off it meant that no one was here. It might also mean that someone took the opportunity to kill Eli while he was out and about because the killer couldn’t get to him here without detection. The more I tried to recall the face of the dead man on the bed the more I was sure that it had been Eli. I just couldn’t figure out why the police would not tell his secretary that her boss was dead.

  She flipped on several lights, and I wondered what it would look like from the outside. I wouldn’t put it past someone from the police department to drive by just to see if I was snooping. I had a story all ready if they did.

  I honestly hoped to not have to use it, but I’d learned by this point to have something ready so I wasn’t caught off guard in my snooping.

  I expected books and bookshelves, maybe some office furniture and potted plants, a few end tables, some magazines. Instead there was almost nothing. Marianne’s desk was an old drafting table with no drawers at all. The walls had no pictures and not a single plant resided in the whole place. Through one door was a small bathroom that held nothing but toilet paper stacked on a shelf from what I could tell from here. Again, not a single drawer in the room.

  The inner office wasn’t much better. No bookshelves, no drawers. Where did the guy keep his files? Did he keep files?

  I asked Marianne the last question, and she shrugged. “I just started a little bit ago and he told me he’d only been in this office for a few weeks before that. Said that we’d get to decorating once the money started flowing more. Since all of his jobs were on-site he didn’t need a lot of extras in here.” She shrugged again. “It was a job. I just wanted to start somewhere. I don’t know that I was going to stay, but it got me here and in a house. That was enough for me.”

  Except that she was already late on her rent and was obsessed with knickknacks. I still didn’t know why she’d come to this sleepy little town and decided more questions were in order. Something in her story didn’t add up.

  A knock on the front door stopped me from asking.

  A shadow of a tall person loomed in the window, his uniform clear in the light of the outdoor fixture. At first I assumed it was Burton, then remembered he was on leave. It could be anyone really, but I just knew it was pointless to try and hide. I could have gone into the bathroom, but what was the point? I had my story, and I was sticking to it.

  Marianne looked nervous opening the door. Why? Although a lot of people were nervous around cops, what did she have to worry about? Then again, a lot of people were nervous with the cops. And for what it was worth, even though I knew all of them, I still hesitated when I saw one, wondering if I’d done something wrong I didn’t know about.

  “Just let him in,” I said. “He won’t go away until you do.” Folding my arms across my chest, I waited for Matt to come in with the newbie, Hammond, behind him. I had a feeling this was not going to be pleasant. I was not wrong.

  “What are you doing here, and why are you doing it with this woman?” Hammond asked several decibels above yelling.

  At first, I wasn’t sure who he was looking at. It could have been any of the three of us. But then he zeroed in on Gina and crossed his arms over his broad chest.

  “What?” she said.

  “Burton warned me about you getting into trouble. Your mother is apparently making him soup, or something, so I’m not supposed to arrest you. But don’t push.”

  “Oh come on!” I said and had Hammond staring at me instead of Gina who was flaming red. I had no idea if it was rage or embarrassment, but this was not going to go any further. She was a grown woman, for God’s sake, and did not need anyone telling on her to her mother. “We were asked by this woman to help find Eli because the police would not take a missing person’s report. She grew concerned for his safety when he never came back with lunch.”

  Hammond’s eyes narrowed, so I continued. At least he was staying silent.

  “So, I see him dead and this lady says he’s missing. Why didn’t you tell her he was dead?” I crossed my arms and stared him down.

  “We needed confirmation of his identity.”

  At the same time Marianne yelled, “You didn’t say you thought he was dead! What about my check!”

  Oh that was going to be a problem. I hadn’t thought before I’d spoken. Something that wasn’t completely out of character, and now I’d created more of an issue than I’d meant to. Story of my life.

  And unfortunately this was not going to be the end.

  While Marianne caterwauled about all things money, Hammond looked me over and shook his head. I couldn’t help what had happened. If he’d taken me seriously in the first place, we wouldn’t even be here having this conversation. Maybe I should have just let it pass.

  But I couldn’t, and so here we were with a shrieking woman who now was going on about how was she going to feed her dog? Could I take the precious little thing for just a few days until she figured out her situation?

  “No,” I said. I didn’t mean for it to come out so harsh, but Mr. Fleefers, my cat, would not take kindly to a huge dog like that living in the house with him, not to mention that I didn’t have a house so much as a small studio apartment above my father’s funeral home. To top it all off, there would be no room for me with a huge thing like that trotting around my considerably small space. I couldn’t imagine how Marianne was able to move around in her tiny house, and I definitely wouldn’t be able to do it in something half the size.

  “Please!” She clasped her hands in front of her chest, her eyes pleading with me. No matter what she brought to the begging table, I was not going to be swayed.

  “I’m sorry, but no, and neither can Gina. Maybe Hammond here could help you out. Unfortunately, it’s not going to be me. I just don’t have the room. Besides, like I told you, I know your landlord. I can work out the rent situation until we figure out what’s going on.”

  “You’re not figuring out anything.” Hammond stepped into my space and put on a mad face.

  I rolled my eyes before I could stop myself, and he growled. Well, he could growl all he wanted. I had committed myself to this now. “And are you going to look into this as a murder instead of your ridiculous claim that it was a heart attack?”

  “It was a heart attack.” His chin jutted out.

  “And he just happened to break his neck on the way down to a bed on which he was perfectly positioned as if taking a nap?”

  “I am not discussing this with you anymore. I will run a tight ship while Burton is gone. You will stay out of things and not concern yourself with anything that is not your business. Including this. We’re trying to keep everyone we possibly can on the payroll. We shouldn’t have to lay anyone off, so we can’t be throwing around money on possibilities that have no basis in fact.”

  While partially that made sense, I felt like there was definitely enough to at least check a few avenues. Matt could do much of it right from his phone. But if Hammond wasn’t going to try, then I wasn’t going to stop trying.

  “Then we have nothing more to talk about. If you go tattling to Mama Shirley then I’m sure I can come up with something that will equally get you into hot water. Think about it.”

  I should not have threatened him, especially since I didn’t know him or how he would react, but I was pissed, really pissed and I was not
going to be made to feel like an idiot and an imposter and a liar all in the same moment.

  “Let’s go, ladies.” I picked up my purse and waited for Marianne and Gina to do the same thing. When they did we all looked at Hammond, waiting for him to leave first since he should not have been here and would in fact be going on his merry way to kick puppies or take candy from babies any minute now.

  He grumbled but he still got moving. Then he sat in his car until we got into Gina’s and drove off down the street. I didn’t know if he’d been waiting to see if we’d go back in, or waiting for me to do something that would allow him to give me a ticket. I was doing neither.

  If I needed to get back in, I had a key holder right where I could always find her. As for the ticket, I certainly didn’t need one of those.

  I very purposely asked Gina to stay exactly three miles under the speed limit going back into town and then out to Marianne’s place. We dropped her off with my word that I would talk to the landlord and then we could go from there. I asked her to be available if I needed her and she agreed before being greeted with huge sloppy kisses by the little big Peanut.

  “Well, that didn’t go so well,” Gina said from the driver’s side.

  “That’s pretty much how it always goes. I try to figure stuff out and the police try to clam me up. But this one is much worse than Burton. At least with Burton I feel like I can make my way around him. This guy feels like the Great Wall of China, and he seems to be gunning for me.”

  “I should have my mom talk to Burton. Tell him to make this Hammond guy back off. You’re like family, and Burton is family, so he should respect that.”

  I choked until I could clear my throat. “Uh, no, I don’t think that’s a good idea. The last thing I want is for your mother to get involved this early on.” I’d asked her to help once when I had needed something specific to be spread around to everyone she knew, and she knew everyone. She was the absolute hub of all the gossip in our little town. But I had no intention of asking her to step between me and her cousin Burton.

  “Well, this guy needs to back off if he’s not going to do anything but wag his jaw at you,” Gina said.

  I laughed because I hadn’t heard that phrase in forever. “He’s not wagging his jaw. I get that he thinks I should keep my nose out, but I know what I saw, and I am not going to have people think I’m just trying to kick up a ruckus because I have nothing better to do. I spent so many years being vapid and having no purpose or anyone’s respect. I won’t go back there, Gina. And if one more person tells me to get a hobby I’m going to scream.”

  “You could always take up crocheting. I heard they have a great class over at the library.”

  I went to swat her and almost made her hit the curb. Sirens popped on behind us, and I closed my eyes. Just for a second, since I didn’t want to be unaware if we hit anything else.

  An hour and a tall whoopie pie latte later I finally got over being pissed at Matt for turning his lights on just to scare us. He was a pain in my backside, but he was able to tell me that Burton had sent him out to at least look around the outside of the office and make a few inquiries online. And he’d asked him to do it discreetly since he wasn’t supposed to be working at all and didn’t want Hammond to think he was interfering.

  Still not the level of interest that a murder would have gotten, but it was something. And something was better than nothing. Or at least that was what I was telling myself at the moment, as I sipped and got ready to go home. Tomorrow I had to be ready to go to my other job at the funeral home across the street.

  “I’m out.” I finished off the last of the latte and licked my top lip to make sure there was no leftover whipped cream. I always had Mama Shirley pour it on thick because it was homemade and just this side of heaven. I might not sleep tonight from all the caffeine. It would be worth every ounce.

  “What are you doing tomorrow?” Wiping down the counter, Gina tried to look busy. We hadn’t seen Hammond coming in to tell on her, yet, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t happen at any minute. Perhaps he would think it would put a halt to us and our investigation. He would be sorely mistaken.

  “I’m thinking research. I don’t even know where to start. I guess we could look for license plates or any mentions of Eli. Kind of boring, and I have to work first. Mrs. Koser has her ‘funeral’ tomorrow.” I did the air quotes because something like that deserved the air quotes.

  “Ah, the spectacle.”

  “Yes, the one that’s been in the making for nearly fifteen years.”

  “Well, have fun. Hopefully this one doesn’t run longer than an hour.”

  “I’ll call you as soon as I’m done.”

  “I can’t wait to hear how it goes.” Swiping at the counter, she laughed.

  So did I. “Yeah, me neither.”

  The next morning, after a night filled with dreams of falling off that ladder over and over again, I was up and dressed in my black skirt with a jewel-toned shirt and low black heels. My hair was perfect and the “corpse” was in our best mahogany coffin directing the whole affair like she was making a movie.

  “No, I don’t want Jason to stand at my feet. He should be behind my head and his hands should be clasped at his waist, not behind his back. That looks too corporate, too uninviting. This should be a celebration, not a drill line!”

  Sitting in the coffin with her arms propped on the closed bottom half, Henrietta Koser sounded just like a drill sergeant. I would have to look at the books over the last fifteen years, but I believed this was our nineteenth dress rehearsal for the day she would ultimately be laid to rest. I had a feeling some of the people in the room wished it would happen already so the show could get on the road.

  She had everything planned down to the minutest of details. From where the tissues would go (tall ships on the boxes facing forward, not the flag) to the exact flowers, the punch that would be served, the music that would play at precise intervals, and where everyone would stand, and what expression should be on their faces. I had a feeling that when the actual thing happened this would all go to hell. It would be one big fiasco and then she would probably haunt us and them for the rest of our lives. In the meantime, it kept her content. And she paid for the rental of the funeral home every single time. Who was I to complain? Especially since I figured that by the time she actually died I did not plan on living here, or working here, for that matter.

  “I want Tallie front and center, and, dear, I’d like you in the peach shirt you wore last time. It goes better with my flowers. I see you put a little weight on so you’ll need to lose that, too. I don’t want those thighs bumping into anything or making pantyhose noises when you’re walking. That will mess with my music.”

  I looked at my dad simply to not look at her and spew out what I wanted to say. He gave a small shake of his head to tell me not to start anything, but it was close. However, I remembered that this family was well-connected in the area and were also not only house flippers but landlords. Could one of them know Eli? Did one of them know him better than anyone else? They had to do business with him. There weren’t too many code enforcement guys in the area, and if they sold houses they had to have someone inspect them for any construction upgrades.

  I zeroed in on Mrs. Koser’s granddaughter, Taylor, who was my age. We’d gone to school together, and while she’d never been overly friendly to me, she had never completely been mean. Plus she was not someone I had turned my back on when I was Mrs. Walden Phillips III, so there wasn’t that history to overcome, either.

  Sidling up to her, I said, “Have you been to every one of these rehearsals?”

  Mrs. Koser was still giving out strict orders to my father, who was dutifully writing them down on his clipboard. More power to him.

  “Fortunately, I was able to avoid one when I was a freshman in college. She scheduled it while I was studying abroad. After that, though, she made sure it was a day when everyone was here and has since made it a stipulation of being named in the will
. You aren’t here, you get nothing.”

  Mrs. Koser must have had a lot of something since everyone always showed up.

  “No talking!” she yelled from her place in the casket. It was both horrifying and hilarious to see her in there. We already had her obituary that she wrote herself on file, and the various places to send it along with a list of the types of funeral sprays each family member was supposed to buy. Nothing under seventy-five dollars.

  Taylor pressed her lips together and took a small step back and then another. I covered her by stepping in front. Mrs. Koser’s attention was focused on her son Tom and her instructions for him as to how he was to carry her. One year she’d made them carry her out to the hearse as pallbearers, but my dad put the kibosh on that after they almost dropped her. The last thing we needed was for someone to actually die at the funeral home. Bringing them here after the fatal moment was fine, but we did not want to be around for the during.

  Taylor took another step back, and I stepped with her. Once she was behind a fake tree she whispered, “Is there any way you could get your father to tell her she can’t do this anymore? She’s not dying anytime soon and this is not only morbid but ridiculous.”

  I didn’t doubt nearly everyone in the room, including the staff, found that to be very true. But if ever there was a business where the customer was always right, we were it. My dad had tried to talk her out of it at first, had even charged her the second time she did it in hopes that would deter her, but nothing did.

  “I’m sorry but no. He has to do what she asks, and she always asks nicely. It’s only once she’s here that she turns into a drill sergeant.”

  “I prefer to think of her as a banshee that won’t go away.”

  An image of Mrs. Koser flying around in a ragged white dress howling down a lane popped into my head, and I snickered. Which was a major no-no in the funeral home world and got me the hairy eyeball from my dad. I mouthed “sorry.” He just shook his head at me, and I knew I was going to be getting a talking-to before the morning was over.